See full report below

St Mary’s School Report on Parents’ Discussion Forum on Underage Drinking held on 2 February 2006

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1.   Background

General agreement was expressed at a parents’ forum in the latter part of 2005 to initiate a process to develop a Parents’ Charter regarding underage drinking. This initiative of parents arose out of an expressed need to respond in a positive and constructive manner to deep concerns about the widespread phenomenon of underage drinking and possible drug use, whether this be at homes, private parties or other social events. The St Mary’s PTA invited parents to attend a Parents’ Discussion Forum on 2 February 2006 to discuss the issues, raise concerns and seek a common understanding of ways to address the problems.

The discussion forum provided a facilitated opportunity for parents to share their views and concerns about underage drinking, and to seek a common understanding of ways in which parents can address the issues in a constructive manner.

2.   The programme

About 85 parents attended the forum. The forum was facilitated by Erik Hallendorff, a parent at the school, with a number of parents acting as facilitators of the small groups. The subject was introduced via a video highlighting the gravity of the problem nationally, and the extent to which bars, clubs and parents turn a blind eye to the issue. This was followed by a presentation by the facilitator and a speech on the subject from a St Mary’s School old girl. The rest of the time was spent engaging in discussions in small groups around three key questions, culminating in feedback given in plenary.

3.   The presentation

The facilitator presented background information regarding the forum and findings from surveys at St Mary’s and more generalised local surveys. The substance of the presentation is included in the slides below. The presentation served to alert parents to the gravity and immediacy of the problem, and the need for parents to assume responsibility regarding underage drinking.

4.   Group discussions

A substantial part of the forum involved small group discussions, followed by feedback in plenary. The group discussions dealt with the following key questions:

Q1:  What are your feelings/thoughts/concerns about underage drinking?
Q2: What do you aspire towards in terms of values and conduct among girls and parents?
Q3: What guidance and support can parents collectively (and individually) offer concerning how we can deal with the problem and support one another?

The consolidated feedback on key issues raised within each group is presented in the APPENDIX.

5.   About the planned Charter

The feedback from the discussions will serve as a basis for the development of a Parents’ Charter which is intended to represent an expression of shared values and guidelines for parents concerning underage drinking. The charter that will ultimately flow out from this discussion forum is to be developed and promoted by parents. The charter is thus intended for the parents, and will not replace the school’s policy for girls or the code of conduct for girls.

Although the PTA will actively promote the charter, parents will be free to apply the charter on a voluntary basis, and there is no intention to police the charter in any fashion. The PTA understands that it is neither appropriate nor possible to police and censure parents on these matters, but that it is useful for parents to seek to reach agreements on values and conduct, to share these agreements, and seek ways of living up to those agreements.

The main value of the charter is in the process of reaching and expressing agreements on the subject of underage drinking. Should the charter that will be developed be acceptable to the parent body, an appropriate mechanism will be initiated to formally adopt it as a living document, and further activities will be planned to hold the charter before parents on an ongoing basis.

6.   Next steps

Following the dissemination of this report to the parent body, the next steps planned are:

• Write first draft of Parents’ Charter
• Circulate the draft charter and seek feedback from the broader parent body
• Edit the charter and produce a final copy
• Make use of a suitable function to adopt the charter
• Seek ways of explaining and promoting the charter among parents
• Facilitate further forums/events to discuss ongoing issues
• If possible, develop a resource booklet to support parents regarding underage drinking and drug use.

APPENDIX – FEEDBACK FROM DISCUSSION GROUPS

1. Very worried about behaviour associated with drinking, including violence, sexual promiscuity, date-rape.
2. Worried about harmful effects of drinking and associated behaviour – sexually transmitted diseases, car accidents, health problems, depression, declining school grades, loss of interest and ability in sport.
3. What really happens at parties? Parents feel nervous given what they have heard and the relative ease with which alcohol is available.
4. Teenagers at parties may find themselves in positions where they feel out of depth having to make decisions regarding underage drinking. Given the peer pressure to be cool who, how can the children be supported when they are out of the home environment?
5. Parent intervention with other children. What should parents do if they see or know that a teenager is abusing alcohol? How and where should these concerns be raised. A specific example where a neighbour’s child was seen in a public place under the influence of alcohol, the parents were approached but became defensive and denied that the incident took place. This also ended up souring the parent’s relationship with the neighbour.
6. Peer pressure. It was acknowledged that peer pressure is a significant factor and often has a negative influence.
7. Religious background may prohibit participation or attendance at gatherings where alcohol is served. One family in the group are Muslim and alcohol is not permitted within their social and family framework. The parents were adamant that they would not consent to their daughter attending any party where alcohol was served or was available to the children. The group posed these parents the question, what about the cases where despite the efforts of the parents teenagers still manage to bring and consume alcohol.
8. A double standard exists where parents may abuse alcohol, yet these same parents try and enforce a no drinking policy on their teenagers. An example was given where parents were concerned that other parents that had arranged to lift other teenagers were not fit to drive and thus expose the teenagers to dangers associated with drinking and driving.
9. Parents agreed that it is a reality that teenagers can access alcohol not withstanding the fact they are below the legal drinking age.
10. Teenagers must be made aware of the consequences of underage drinking. It was suggested that often despite being shown pictures of accidents, relating rape statistics and the like in an attempt to show the negative consequences of drinking, teenagers adopt a “head in the sand” attitude to this.
11. The prevalence of so called “date rape drugs” is a concern as it is difficult to identify if drinks have been tampered with. This also can expose the victim to sexual abuse with all its negative aspects.
12. Other parents as a source of alcohol. Two issues raised on this point. The case where parents allow alcohol to be served at parties and the second where parents as a family norm serve alcohol at meals. A distinction between the two was made but both can result in unwanted exposure to alcohol.
13. Parents often turn a blind eye to abuse. Parents are often in denial when bad reports of their teenager’s behaviour are made. Unless they, “see it for themselves” they often neglect to act on these reports.
14. Parents may begin to doubt the trust relationship they have built up with their children. Where parents suspect the teenager may be drinking but the teenager denies it this can be very destructive.
15. Teenagers may be mixing with over 18’s who are by definition not underage, how can parents manage this.
16. Easy access to alcohol: we can’t stop our children getting it; availability of alcohol at parties, etc.
17. Parents’ consent, absence
18. Parents’ different values/standards; other parents allow what we would not allow.
19. Some parents think it’s cool and don’t worry about the effects
20. Range of mixers - very sweet; coolers are known as “panty droppers” – give a girl 2 spins and she will drop her panties for you.
21. Parties where different age groups are present
22. Parents do not know how to treat this problem – need training, help
23. Not enough communication between parents and children
24. Children should not accept any drinks in a glass or drinks opened by another person
25. Parents should monitor children’s internet access – chat rooms should not be allowed
26. The figures speak for themselves (referring to statistics given before the group discussions).
27. A number of the group felt that parents were to blame – by the example they set, not checking up on their children’s whereabouts, and not caring enough about their well-being. Being inconsistent is also problematic.
28. We don’t know where out children are all the time
29. 14 year-olds are drinking
30. The effects of alcohol:
    • loss of inhibition
    • lack of maturity to handle situations
    • children can’t recognise how much they’ve had
31. Islamic faith forbids it so my child ends up being ostracised – children need to respect each other’s faith
32. How to bring in those parents who are not concerned
33. Teenagers think that drinking is okay – they don’t understand why it is wrong.
34. It is the in thing to do – they don’t want to be left out.
35. Parents expressed a strong feeling of helplessness in providing social contact opportunities for their teenagers where there is no alcohol. Some mothers do phone to check with parents that there will be adult supervision, that their children are invited and to ask whether there will be alcohol. Parents are usually upfront in saying that there will be alcohol.
36. Parents feel as though they are being challenged the whole time. They were brought up in a very different environment and it is so hard to know what is and is not appropriate. Is it appropriate to let your daughters go to an open party. When do you say that they can go and when do you say no? While some parents felt that it is better to know that they are at someone’s home for a gathering (a smaller number of people are invited to a gathering than to a party) than at a big party, others felt that this may be a false sense of security as the same problems can occur in smaller groups.
37. Parents were concerned about retaining the lines of open communication with their daughters – they felt that if their daughters stopped talking to them this would be a sure sign of their drinking. They worry about the peer pressure to drink and trying to keep the communication lines open.
38. Parents are concerned about losing control over their children’s behaviour and that all the investment in building strong values can be laid to waste. They worry about keeping communication open and honest with their teenagers. They worry about what can happen to them when they are at these parties.
39. Parents of Form 1 girls are worried about what is coming down the road and what other parents think is okay. At a social engagement in the holidays, Form 1 girls were offered alcohol by other parents.
40. When you have a party at your home, the teens arrive with a kombi full of alcohol. Within half an hour, everyone has created their own stash in the garden. Within an hour, some of them are blind drunk. It’s not easy to have a party at your house – short of calling the police, the parents felt there was nothing they could do to manage this situation. Parents don’t want to host parties because of this.
41. The parents are concerned about parent apathy – the kids have the power.
42. It is really hard to walk the walk – it is easy to talk the talk but when it comes to it is not easy to draw a hard line with your kids and to keep to strict rules at all times.
43. The link between sex and alcohol. The comment was made that by the time the girls are in Form 4 50% of them will be sexually active. Drink reduces inhibitions and contributes hugely to this statistic.
44. Alcohol is sensationalized/glamorised – by peers and adults
45. Bad examples set by older siblings
46. Tacit acceptance by parents (cannot say no) - difficult to set consistent standards
47. Even after contact with parents alcohol still available.
48. The objective of drinking is primarily to get drunk.
49. Lack of supervision at sleepovers - lack of parental integrity
50. Dropping off at parties – what are the girls exposed to?
51. Parties are only successful if alcohol is available.
52. Parents don’t believe their daughters drink.

1. Parents and teenagers have to take responsibility for own actions. This does not stop once teenagers turn 18. This charter should be adopted to help prepare the teenager with life skills for the real world.
2. Acknowledge the need in all cases to uphold the law.
3. The charter should serve to outline a set of shared values between parents.
4. Drinking is not uncool, but being drunk is very uncool.  Stress responsible use of alcohol
5. Open communication
6. Honesty and truthfulness
7. Integrity
8. Trust between parents and girls and parents and parents
9. Respect for themselves (the girls) and their friends
10. A sense of self worth
11. Teaching by example (parents to girls)
12. Communication between parents and parents and parents and their children.
13. Promotion of healthy alternative entertainment and social interaction that does not involve alcohol.
14. Instil responsibility and the ability to say no
15. Build self-esteem and confidence; promote good self image
16. Consistency

1. Parents should strive to build the teenagers self esteem, this in turn will give the teenager the confidence to make good decisions on their own even in the face of peer pressure. If they respect themselves and have a good sense of self worth they will be less likely to engage in risky behaviour.
2. Parents must feel confident to communicate frankly with each other. It was suggested that intervention should be sooner rather than left to ride.
3. Associate with like minded people that share similar values.
4. Stand up for your beliefs.
5. Keep communication open and honest with your children.
6. Visible parental presence at parties
7. Parents must inspect the environment thoroughly
8. Educate children on how to treat difficult situations and what to look out for
9. Use shock tactics from time to time
10. Parents must act as role models
11. Spell out the consequences of over stepping the line of acceptable behaviour
12. Parents should agree the pick up time for the different age groups, for example:
    • Form 1 – 22:00
    • Form 2 – 22:30
    • Form 3 – 23:00
    • Form 4 – 23:30
    • Form 5 – 24:00
13. Don’t assume too much and verify too little
14. We need to be communicating with other parents more
15. We should be leading by example and obeying the various laws that apply - if we are speaking on a cell phone in the car- why shouldn’t they drink. Do we vote, do we get involved in our community in a meaningful way. As members of our neighbourhood or community we need to lift our game. In the States, kids do not drink until they are 21 - people are generally far more law abiding, probably because they fear the consequences. We need to start in small ways to achieve this. 
16. Parents need to get involved in hosting sleepovers etc in their homes given the dangers of clubs/malls etc
17. Get to know parents better so that we trust each other more
18. All of us saying “no” when somewhere is not safe
19. Keeping lines of communication with the children open
20. Always being responsible for transporting our own children
21. Educating children on the dangers of alcohol (i.e. that it is as dangerous as drugs or tobacco) (e.g. taking them to rehab centres/orthopaedic wards or making them work there)
22. More control at house parties
23. Provide alternatives to malls/clubs (youth groups more active)
24. Give guidelines on how to drink
25. Lobby the advertising industry (the schools collectively) so that alcohol is not portrayed as being the key to success, wealth etc
26. Distinguish between having a drink and being drunk – drink responsibly
27. Encourage parent conversations – get the class moms in each Form to arrange get- togethers. It is even more important now than in the junior school that you get to know the other parents in your Form and that you meet them every now and then. Arrange social events and get to know the other parents. This might be one way of getting to other parents who weren’t here tonight.
28. Make 2006 the year that the parents get together and get some of their power back. Share, educate and update each other so that you know what is happening and what is going on.
29. Make it your business to know the parents of your child’s friends.
30. Agree the rule together with other parents.
31. Phone and check what other parents are doing – don’t buy the line everybody is going.
32. Educate your kids on the consequences of alcohol. Make sure that your teens understand the hard facts around what can happen due to alcohol abuse.
33. Get recent matriculants to talk to the girls about what can happen and how they managed during their school careers.
34. Build coping skills in our daughters – build their self esteem and help them be true to themselves.
35. Don’t be naïve about your children – many of them are already drinking.
36. What about getting the class mom’s to do a bit of a parent survey on things such as an agreed time for parents to pick up Form 1’s, do you let them go to open parties, what other guidelines are they setting for their children.
37. Zero tolerance in relation to serving alcohol at parties
38. Parents attend parties with the supervising parents
39. Find other forms of entertainment
40. Communicating with other parents as common practice
41. Group focus and similar ideas
42. Agreement that parents will inform on drinking children
43. Create a common profile
44. Ongoing forum for parent discussion and research
45. Honesty between Parents.
46. Always leave a door open for discussion – Parents.
47. Girls dress code.
48. Parents are always too busy to get involved with their daughters social life – make time for your children.
49. We need to somehow allow our children space and trust and let them know that we will help them
50. Form cluster groups for support – children and parents
51. Watch TV responsibly
52. Educate our girls and instil confidence and self esteem.
53. There should be boundaries and consequences
54. Need more selective parties.
55. Alternative social activities to “open parties”
56. Do not need Parent Peer Pressure.
57. Decisions made – not by peer pressure.
58. Ask not what can society do for them – but what can they do for society.

[This document is available for download here]